So I have been thinking about prison a lot lately. Not because I’m doing anything illegal, but I just need to know if I could survive. Say that one of my enemies robs a bank wearing a bowtie, singing Hall and Oates. Everyone would just assume it was me and I would have to do time, pending my insanity plea.

So there I am, locked up, in the big house, the slammer. I’m dead, well I will be, unless I have plan. Now according to my research, and by research I mean watching shitty movies at 3am. I have calculated my chances of survival and if all falls into place I will survive and ultimately be a better person after the whole experience.

First order of business is to convince my cellmate that I just wanna be friends, it might be awkward at first but in time he will understand. Then I must build on this friendship and develop trust because some crazy stuff goes down on the inside and I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, yet.

The next step would be picking a gang, you really shouldn’t rush this decision because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. At sign up day everyone makes really creative posters and the sing a gang song. Although the Mexican gangs were sure having fun, I would go with the African gang. I refuse to choose the Arian gang, their poster was so boring, they didn’t even use any colour.

I would then start making a name for myself in the gang and in the prision community. Stacia suggested I would become Michael Cera from superbad. I would also have to agree, it really the best way to fit in without killing anybody.


The other option is to be the insane gross guy who eats on the floor and bites you in the shower. Anyways, so once I made a name for myself, doing small jobs, I would immediately use the money my mom sends me for inhaler refills on paying off the guards. Some say that some guards aren’t bribable, I say your not bribing hard enough. I wouldn’t even need the inhaler anyways my African brothers got me covered.

Escape would be a possibility at this point, but why would I wanna go anywhere, I would have a ton of friends, a lucrative career, daily exercise, and a healthy long distance relationship with a single mother living in Nebraska.

And this formula can work in any scary situation, in a biker bar, a haunted house, or a weekend with Charlie Sheen.